Meeting Negativity

Photo by Uriel Soberanes on Unsplash

How to Meet Negativity

Negativity and negative emotion can be a major cause of upheaval in relationships. This has certainly been true in my relationship. This article will discuss why it can be a problem and how we can manage it better. I will give some suggestions for you to implement right away, next time you hear a negative or angry comment.

Let’s start with a basic rule of what NOT to do. Do not respond to negativity with negativity, anger with anger, irritation with irritation etc. A negative plus a negative makes a bigger negative. This is simply proved in mathematics. I’ve done this many times in my relationship. It only ever leads to increasing reactivity on both sides. How this develops will depend on factors that each partner will bring in. Research by Gottman et al, have shown how the equation is influenced by the following:

• Set point

• Influenced versus Uninfluenced States

• Carrying Capacity

• Ability for exploring emotion, not dismissing it.

Set point is the level of negativity that is carried by each partner. You will of course know that this can vary widely, depending on the level of stress, day to day circumstances, life-stages, hormonal changes and other factors that influence our well-being including of course the perception of the quality of the relationship. A low set point for negativity means that background negativity is low in the individual. If you have a high set point for negativity, you are carrying more negativity at that moment and thus have a lower threshold for managing negativity. This is how set point is related to your influenced versus uninfluenced states. You are more likely to be influenced into a negative state if you have a higher negative set point. Likewise, a partner with a lower negative set point is less likely to be influenced adversely. Carrying capacity is related to the ability to hold and explore emotion. If an individual has a high carrying capacity for emotion, they are more likely to have the ability to explore it instead of reacting to it.

I would like to change gear here and switch to a more personal perspective which I think is more helpful in illustrating what I see happening between couples in the therapy room. One of my biggest mistakes in my relationship was responding negatively to negative emotion from my wife. I would interpret her negativity as meaning I had done something wrong. I felt an injustice had been done to me. I responded in an indignant way. Every part of me felt I had to make a protest about this. So I would up the ante. I can see now that my uninfluenced state was highly unstable. I could not explore the emotion that was coming towards me. By responding negatively with a proportionate, or often, disproportionate amount of my own anger, I was actually dismissing my wife’s emotion. And in so doing, I was making it all about me. I became the subject, the hard done by one. The one that wanted soothing. The result was that my wife did not feel at all validated or acknowledged. I sucked all the attention back to me. I did that because I had a higher negativity set point and a lower threshold for managing negativity. I have since explored the reason for this and it stems from childhood circumstances. Being able to understand the impact of how you grew up is part of the necessary journey to healing. There is not time to go into that now. Instead, let’s move on to what I learned about how to respond to negativity.

First, I need to define our goal. We are aiming to become versatile emotion explorers. We want to understand, empathise and validate our partner. It is not a satisfactory way to live if we get pulled easily into negativity because of our partner’s negativity. There’s no use in getting infected with the same malady. We want to be able to help and support our partner.

Given you believe this is a worthy goal, we need to go about attaining it. One way of doing this is to understand what emotion is. Emotion is feeling coming out to expression. It is literally feelings in motion. There is a lot more to say about this, perhaps another time.

If your partner has feelings coming out to expression what do you do? First, it’s most important to de-centre yourself from what is happening and recognise that this has nothing to do with you. It’s about your partner. Move emotionally to the periphery and witness. It is not about you, hard though that may be to understand. Even if they are annoyed with something you have done, it’s their annoyance and not yours. Second, remember that although anger can be difficult to be around, it is a sign of your partner’s suffering. We usually become angry if we are hurting. Remember that underneath negative emotion there is usually hurt and unhappiness. Knowing this can help you be more empathic and respond compassionately. But in order to do this, you need to increase your own carrying capacity for emotion. Imagine you are a sponger absorbing that emotion, the opposite of being rigid and it bouncing off us back to them. A sponge can hold a lot of water before it drips. But if you are saturated already, it may be impossible to absorb more and an escalation may ensue. If you can, absorb and validate those feelings. Use empathy and understanding. That will soften your partner and help with the release of further feelings. And under the initial negative expression will come the vulnerable feelings that will be easier to hear.

By avoiding responding negatively to negative emotion, you will increase the overall quality of the relationship. And there is also a selfish reason for doing this too: your own well being. It’s not pleasant getting infected and easily toppled off-balance by your partner’s emotion. But your personal set point for negativity, carrying capacity for emotion and influenced versus uninfluenced states are all variables that will determine how easy or difficult this is going to be for you.

Responding to negativity in a positive way will allow the processing of emotion in the space between you. Like a balancing chamber, this space can help to transform and de-pressurise difficult feelings as they emerge. The space between us is the territory of mutuality. Both of you need to feel the other is accessible, responsive and engaged and able to explore our feelings with us.

For further information please see our book: You, Me and the Space Between Us, How to (Re)Build Your Relationship by Matt and Sarah Davies.

There is one caveat I need to point out. This article is about normal marital negativity. It is not about emotionally abusive or manipulative behaviour. Knowing the difference is important. If you are subject to threats or unbridled rage aimed at you that is frightening, then please seek further help.